M a r t i n    K i h n

   Head can't believe it's not butter.




Actual excerpts from -

"Uncle Tom's Cabin" by abolitionist and playwright Harriet Beecher Stowe; published in serialized form in anti-slavery journal The National Era from June 1851 - April Fool's Day 1852. The joke is on those who underestimate the fever of this propaganda pamphlet for it speaks to this day and the next -

On Consultants -

"'Tell me that any man living wants to work all his days, from day-dawn till dark, under the constant eye of a master, without the power of putting forth one responsible volition, on the same dreary, monotonous, unchanging toil, and all for two pairs of pantaloons and a pair of shoes a year!'"

On the G.O.P. -

"'Because my brother Quashy is ignorant and weak, and I am intelligent and strong - because I know how, and can do it - therefore, I may steal all he has, keep it, and give him only such and so much as suits my fancy. Whatever is too hard, too dirty, too disagreeable, for me, I may set Quashy to doing. Quashy shall do my will, and not his, all the days of his mortal life. This I take to be about what slavery is. The thing itself is the essence of all the abuse!'"

On Me & My Puppy -

"'We masters are divided into two classes, oppressors and oppressed. We who are good-natured and hate severity make up our minds to a good deal of inconvenience. If we will keep a shambling, loose, untaught set in the community, for our convenience, why, we must take the consequence.'"

On Needing a Consultant -

"'Once get a business running wrong, there does seem to be no end to it. It's like jumping from one bog to another, all through a swamp; borrow of one to pay another, and then borrow of another to pay one - and these confounded notes falling due before a man has time to smoke a cigar and turn around.'"

On Volunteering -

"'I have had only that kind of benevolence which consists in lying on a sofa, and cursing the church and clergy for not being martyrs and confessors. One can see, you know, very easily, how others ought to be martyrs.'"

On Politics -

"'The whole framework of society, both in Europe and America, is made up of various things which will not stand the scrutiny of any very ideal standard of morality. It's pretty generally understood that men don't aspire after the absolute right, but only to do about as well as the rest of the world. Now, when anyone speaks up, like a man, and says slavery is necessary to us, we can't get along without it, we should be beggared if we give it up, and, of course, we mean to hold on to it - this is strong, clear, well-defined language; it has the respectability of truth to it; and, if we may judge by their practice, the majority of the world will bear us out in it. But when he begins to put on a long face, and snuffle, and quote Scripture, I incline to think he isn't much better than he should be.'"